"Parenting Tips On Giving Successful Consequences" from Susan at Life Affirming Psychotherapy,PC
Susan RobinsonIntentional parenting allows opportunities to teach your child by giving Praise, Support, and Consequences vs. Criticism, Alienation and Punishment. The latter does not teach but is retaliation from your own "child self" that only causes Shame, Guilt, and Reasons for your child to behave covertly (lying and sneaking around behind your back).
Keep the communication lines open in a respectful manner. In order to get respect, a parent must remain silent until the child is FINISHED making lame excuses or ridiculous reasons in defense of their misbehavior. If you're really listening you may find that the excuse may even be a good one! When the child has completely stopped speaking, count to 5 and calmly restate the agreed upon rules or guidelines. Remind your child, if needed, that you listened attentively while they spoke and you require the same respect.
NEVER give your child a long, restricting consequence. If YOU cannot follow through till the end, who is really in control? Your child learns that you can be easily manipulated... a little token of improved behavior and the child is "off the hook." However, if YOU can follow through with the allotted time for the consequence then it shows that you stand by your word and that "word" is reasonable and consistent.
A consequence lasting 24 hours to 3 days makes the point. It lets your child know who is in control. Start with the least amount of consequence so you can add up to the 3 days, if needed. If that particular restriction is not working after 3 days, then you must be more creative and find something else that you can restrict your child from doing. AGAIN... start with 24 hours only (for teens) and an afternoon or evening for younger children. THE CHILD MUST BE TOLD FROM THE START WHEN THE CONSEQUENCE WILL END. If a child does not have a specified end date then a parent is either allowing the child to eventually manipulate the end of the consequence OR the parent is NOT teaching, but instead, PUNISHING by keeping the child uncertain, off balance and insecure.
SO... "What makes a good consequence?" Make a LIST that has a variety of effective consequences. Many times, the same old consequence will get you no where. After a while, the child will get used to not having whatever they were required to give up and if the restriction is too lengthy or if they have everything taken away, children adapt. Unfortunately, this type of negative, unhealthy adaptation creates apathy, complacency, and a general lack of caring. When you've lost everything, there is nothing left to lose. A child will give up on him or herself and begin to get more and more defiant. On the other hand, a child with nothing left to lose may begin feeling like nothing and become depressed and feel hopeless. The basic truth is that children of all ages want structure and consistency. This is what makes a child feel safe and secure, at any age. Since the purpose of a consequence is to teach, a parent must be firm and kind projecting an authoritative balanced attitude. Whether a parent likes it or not, the behaviors that are modelled in front of the children are the behaviors that THEY are likely to adopt as adults.
Setting aside time for weekly Family Meetings can turn a family into a TEAM. You can discuss rules, chores and consequences together and make important decisions about travel, family night activities, and family outings. When children have input into appropriate consequences, there is no question about what will happen when a rule is broken or a chore is unfinished. The whole family has participated and agreed on the outcomes.
AGE is always an important factor when considering a good consequence. Here are some suggestions for your list of consequences. Also, come up with some of your own that are even more fitting for your families unique needs.
For younger children: make bedtime 15 to 30 minutes earlier
take away a favorite tv show for 1 evening
ask child to leave dinner table without dessert
do not allow playmates over for 1 weekend day
take away a favorite toy for 1 day
Time out should not be longer than the age of the child, 1 year=1 minute
For older children: take away computer time, gamebox time, cell phone, ipad...
BUT, NOT ALL AT ONCE!
do not allow them to leave the house on a weekend day
make curfews earlier by 30 minutes
take allowance away $2.00 at a time
take away car use for pleasure but allow use for necessities
like job/school
If you want cooperation from your children, parents must appear to be UNIFIED in the enforcement of consequences. The easiest way to undermine good parenting intentions is for one parent to thwart the consequence that has been given. This gives the child an opportunity to Divide and Conquer. If this happens, neither parent is in charge. NO ONE EVER SAID PARENTING IS EASY! But, these guidelines will give you more than just a little good luck!
